Stranger Than Fiction
by Zyzyax
Summary: Summary: Written for 2019 December Fic Exchange. Prompt: Alex gets kidnapped, but the kidnapping has absolutely nothing to do with his work at MI6. The kidnappers are increasingly baffled and horrified by the competency of their victim. Warnings: Mentions of violence. Rated T for safety. No Romance!


****Stranger Than Fiction****

* * *

Summary: Written for 2019 December Fic Exchange. Prompt: Alex gets kidnapped, but the kidnapping has absolutely nothing to do with his work at MI6. The kidnappers are increasingly baffled and horrified by the competency of their victim. Mentions of violence. Rated T for safety. No romance! Special thanks to wolfern and pongnosis for words of encouragement.

* * *

Alex just stared at his kidnappers with a resigned look. He couldn't believe somebody had gotten the drop on him. This was what he got for letting Tom drag him to a dodgy part of town to play in an arcade. "So, you're not going to ask me questions?"

The one shaped like a brick snorted. "Nah, what would you know? You're just a kid."

Alex wondered if it wasn't some sort of trick. "Why am I getting kidnapped, then?"

The one that looked like a snake sighed. "We're a gang."

Alex mentally groaned. "There's going to be a heist."

Alex resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "And we need a hostage for part of it."

Alex raised an eyebrow. They didn't seem to be the brightest crew of four he'd ever met. "Why did you pick me, then?"

The one with an eye-patch shrugged. "Well, you're blond, white, and you look like everybody's teenage son. The press will crucify the coppers if you get shot."

Alex supposed they had a point. He also wished they had picked another kid. Any other kid. Perhaps it was uncharitable, but why did it always have to be him? "You don't seem very terrified."

Alex shrugged. The fourth man had finally spoken. He seemed to be missing a few teeth and it gave him a lisp. "Do you people have names?"

Brick, as Alex had elected to mentally call him, was actually called that. Alex barely kept a straight face. The one with a face like a snake was called Mongoose. Lisp was called "Toothy" and Eyepatch was called "One-Eye Will". "Will's not me real name, but-"

Lisp snapped. "Oh, shut it. You're blabbing is how you lost your bloody eye, now isn't it?"

The four quickly devolved into bickering. Maybe he'd get lucky and they'd all stab each other to death and a knife would land within a decent distance for him to grasp. The one thing this team _was _good at seemed to be tying people up. Alex had already determined that he was only going to get loose by cutting the bonds that held him to his chair. Sadly, they did not, in fact, get out their knives at all. Bickering must be a regular occurrence for this lot then. Alex just sat back in his chair and waited. So far, they didn't seem to know that he worked for MI6. Plus, they hadn't bothered searching him. He still had a few things on him that might allow him to escape, given the proper circumstances. Mostly, he just needed to be unsupervised for three hours or so. "Are you guys going to kill me afterward?"

They all looked genuinely shocked at the suggestion. Finally, Brick answered. "Gawd no. What kind of people do you take us for?! We don't kill children! For God's sake!"

Alex choked back a laugh at the man's indignant expression. "Um, okay then."

Well, he wasn't about to take a bunch of supposed thieves at their word. Alex was still not entirely sure this wasn't some sort of trap. He decided to sit back in his chair and wait. "What? Why are you going to sleep?"

Alex felt a flash of annoyance at Eyepatch. "I'm tied to a chair and bored. What else is there to do?"

Eyepatch looked moderately…concerned? Surely, he was imagining things. "Uh, where's the crying for your parents and wanting to go home."

Alex gave Eyepatch a dubious look. "My parents are dead."

Eyepatch gave him a pitying look. "I'm sorry."

Alex continued. "Plus, I'll bet this gets me a valid excuse to get out of biology class."

Eyepatch chuckled and then scowled as if he'd forgotten he was supposed to be acting like a hardened criminal. "Damn it. You're not supposed to be funny and charming."

Alex blinked. "Well, did you really expect this to be like Hollywood?"

Eyepatch glanced at him. "Maybe."

Alex just gave the man a scathing look. "How accurate is Hollywood for the rest of criminal-land again?"

Eyepatch scratched his ear. "Good point."

Alex wondered if they were really that dim or just pretending. "I'm going to take a nap now."

There were no further protests.

* * *

Alex was brusquely shaken awaked by Mongoose. The man cut his hands free. "It's dinner time."

Alex was starting to wonder about whether they actually planned to let him live or not. After all, none of them wore masks. "Are you actually going to let me live?" Mongoose just handed him a burrito. "Mexican in London, now I know you're definitely nutters."

Mongoose actually snorted. "It was Toothy's idea. And yeah, you get to breathe and make a report to the police. Why do you keep asking?"

Alex raised an eyebrow. "You aren't wearing masks. I can easily describe all of your faces to the police."

Mongoose shrugged. "Eh. We already got warrants, Kid."

Alex seriously questioned the competence of this crew. "Something tells me you're new to the whole bank robbing thing."

Mongoose scratched his head. "Yeah, it's our first time. How did you know?"

Alex resisted the urge to push the man's buttons. "We'll call it a gut feeling."

Mongoose glanced at him. "How old are you anyway?"

Alex sighed. "Fifteen."

Mongoose grinned. "I started my life of crime when I was your age, you know."

The boy was far from surprised. "Petty thievery?"

Mongoose smirked. "Yeah. Mostly shoplifting booze, you know."

Alex felt himself relax a bit. The man had yet to tie his hands back up, even though he was done eating. "Ever pickpocket somebody?"

Mongoose grinned. "Sure, when I was younger. Most people don't let me get close anymore, though. I guess I look scary."

The man seemed proud of the fact. Alex looked at the man, assessing him. A criminal sure, but he didn't have the edge that most killers had. Or he was just better at hiding it. "Yeah, my guardian would tell me to stay away from you."

Mongoose seemed to perk up at that. "They'd be right about that, you know. Everyone here is trouble."

Alex was tempted to reveal the fact that he'd met worse, but refrained. You never knew who'd go blabbing to the wrong person. "So what style of pickpocketing do you use? I'm a fan of the distraction methods myself."

It wasn't technically a lie. Setting people's bases on fire while you stole info from them was pretty distracting. "Really? I'm more of an intimidation guy myself."

Alex grinned. "All bulk and no skill, eh?"

Mongoose retorted. "Intimidation _is _a skill, you little twerp!"

Alex ended up debating the man on various pickpocketing methods for several hours. He'd learned quite a bit about Mongoose in the meantime. The man had also lost his parents but ended up in the foster system rather than Ian Rider's dubious care. The foster system had not been particularly kind to Mongoose and the man had run away and turned to a life of crime, eventually forming a crew with a few of his criminal buddies. It was a pretty typical story, in Alex's opinion. Mongoose said they were doing okay on money. "So why are you taking the risk of robbing a bank, then?"

Mongoose hesitated. "It's Toothy."

Alex paused. Damn his hero complex. Besides, this lot didn't seem to be bad people. "What about him?"

Mongoose sighed. "Well, he got one too many hits to the head. The doctors say he'll need surgery, but he can't get referred until after he goes blind. You can't be blind and a thief, kid. Also, he may or may not be here legally."

They did sound foreign. Alex felt a little bad for them. You could actually be a blind thief, but Alex wasn't going to mention that. Okay, scratch that, they were getting fucked by the government. Alex paused, considering. "I'll help you. My uncle was a career criminal. I know how to rob banks and you're not doing it right."

Mongoose froze. "Wait, really?"

Alex shrugged. Spies were considered criminals by most. Plus, he _did _actually know how to rob banks. Albeit, it was Gordon Ross who taught him that, not Ian Rider. "Yeah. Fun times. We had to move a load of times."

* * *

After that, Alex's legs were freed and he was quickly let in on the plan. Apparently, these people had actually intended on walking into a bank with him at gunpoint (no actual bullets in the gun) and just demanding money. "Exactly how much money did you people need?"

Toothy grunted. "About £25,000."

Alex gaped. "With the NHS?! That's robbery!"

Also, it would probably be easier to just rob ATM's at this point. Banks rarely carried that amount of genuine money. Mongoose cleared his throat. "Right. Are you guys set on robbing a bank? Because there are easier and less risky ways to get money. Also, what's the timeframe on this?"

Mongoose shrugged. "We don't really care how we get the money. We have about three months left for this."

Alex paused. "Do any of you have banking apps?"

Eyepatch shrugged. "Yeah, but they don't do us much good, because we don't have any money."

Alex refrained from rolling his eyes. "How would you lot feel about robbing ATM's? I can write us a virus and it'll just spit out money for you to grab. As long as we keep it under about five hundred per ATM, we should be golden."

Brick scratched his head. "That means we'll have to rob, um, fifty ATM's."

Alex shrugged. "It's still less risky than a bank, plus people won't ask questions because you're supposed to get cash from ATM's."

Toothy scratched his head. "It's not actually a bad plan. And really more our speed."

Alex figured it would be easier this way. After Mongoose pulled up a computer and showed him all of their phones, Alex got to work. As he typed out his program, he briefly considered contacting Tom, Smithers, or Mrs. Jones but turned down each option in his head after consideration. For one, he felt like these guys didn't really deserve to go blind, even though they were criminals. MI6's help came with strings attached, plus he'd been captured by complete incompetents and that would just be embarrassing after it got out. Smithers would be nice about it, but part of Alex still resented the man for lying to him. Plus, Alex wanted to do this. Writing an actually useful program for one was nice. School wasn't nearly this exciting. Plus, it was practical experience, as Ian would put it. Alex grinned. He figured that if they robbed spread-out ATMs over a 7-day period, they would not get caught. Predictably, they wanted to steal a little extra, just in case. Alex didn't blame them. Hospital complications weren't exactly predictable. Plus, there would probably be medicine after and such. Alex kept typing while debating the merits of robbing multiple companies versus the complication of having to program for it. It was Gordon and Smithers who'd taught him to program like this, or at least caught him up. It had been a while since Ian's last lessons in computers, after all. Alex realized, on some level, that the virus would probably be used until it quit working, but he didn't really care. Banks could afford to lose money, he was sure. Alex rubbed his eyes as Mongoose left a coffee beside him. It would be a long night.

* * *

Mongoose was both relieved and horrified on an existential level. Alex's program _worked_. On one hand, it solved all their problems neatly. On the other hand, Mongoose shuddered at the life he must have led to having acquired his particular skill set. It was almost too neat. Like the kid worked for organized crime or something. That was impossible, right? No gang would make anyone that young…he hoped. The kid sounded like he'd pickpocketed people before. Plus, Mongoose had seen him in action. His movements were swift, efficient, and graceful. Almost too graceful. The kid's footfalls were entirely silent. It was only when they had finished three days of robbing ATMs that Mongoose realized that nobody had thought to ask the kid for a name. The kid had been way too distracting. Almost too cheerful at being kidnapped. Was his life really that terrible? Was being locked in a basement really better than being at school? Mongoose felt a stab of guilt. They'd obviously kidnapped a kid with a lot of other issues. The kid hadn't even shed a tear. Maybe he'd been kidnapped before? If his uncle was too high up, hostage situations became a possibility. The kid had mentioned no names or places, come to think of it. Mongoose had so many questions and so few answers. He didn't think that he would get any either. The kid, for all he'd been talkative, had actually let loose very little about his home life. Probably not a great sign. There were only a few visible scars, but it wasn't like they strip-searched him. They weren't paranoid or perverted like that. Strip searches were for cops and adults only. It wasn't like teenagers worked undercover for MI5 or anything. People who had zero problems at home typically had no trouble sharing the details. Normal people would let at least a few details slip. The kid hadn't even mentioned which countries he'd been to. Mongoose understood that the silence spoke volumes. Did he even want to go home? Even as a first-time kidnapper, Mongoose knew they'd fucked up enough times that the kid could probably have escaped at least a dozen times. They were not and never would be as good as the people who were _organized_. The kid even came back after robbing ATM's. Mongoose knew he could have easily escaped then _and _had extra money. Mongoose might have if he was in the kid's place. The criminal vaguely wondered why the blonde hadn't. Maybe he cared about Toothy? But why would he? He'd just met the man. People that noble didn't exist outside of storybooks. Maybe he just wanted to cause chaos? Chaos was fun. Besides, you never knew who'd end up being the closet pyro of the group. Mongoose would bet money the kid had at least a few pranks under his belt. Plus, he'd heard the kid muttering some unflattering things about a certain bank. It was probably that. Banks screwed people. Everybody knew that. Then, they had the nerve to act shocked when you claimed their helplines were anything but. Mongoose figured that was it.

* * *

Alex had created the app to be user-friendly. He hadn't expected to be allowed out and on the men's thieving expedition, at that. By Brick's logic, "he helped out, he should get his fair share once we meet our target". For once, Alex was glad his nicknames were applicable to his captors' intelligence. These people were shockingly honorable for thieves. Then again, Alex had written the program. Perhaps they had figured out that someone who wrote the program could easily help the banks or government discover the program and track them down. By Alex's math, they'd easily get £35, 000. That meant £25,000 would go to Toothy, and then there'd be about £2,000 for each of them. Alex figured his program would work about six weeks after that. If the men stuck to his instructions, they'd easily be able to filch enough to make up any additional expenses. Alex had no intention of ever helping anyone track them down. They would also have enough money to live on and have paper made to make them legal immigrants if they were careful. Alex hoped they went for that, but realized he had no actual control over the actions of four grown men. Maybe if Toothy had valid papers, this would never have happened in the first place. Besides, £2,000 was more than he'd ever gotten from Mrs. Jones. Sure, Jack got paid the reward after the incident with _the twins_, but it was different from the money going straight to him. For one, Alex had plans. Ian either hadn't had a back-up plan or it hadn't been enough. Either way, Alex had no intention of following him into an early grave. He was well-prepared to run away and start a new life with nothing, but Alex preferred to have some sort of safety net. His attention returned to the task at hand. They were almost at the right station. Alex had determined that not robbing ATM's in their area would make it suspicious but had agreed to wait until the last day to commit those particular robberies. Alex and Brick got off the train. "We'll meet back here in an hour."

Alex smirked. "Sure thing, cousin."

Alex darted away before Brick could sputter out a reply. The thieves were really just so much fun to troll. Ale broke into a run. He actually did like running sometimes, just not when about fifty nutters with guns were chasing him. Then it was a pain in the ass. Running after mostly sitting for a couple of days was actually nice. Alex slowed to a jog and then a walk as he approached his eight ATM. It occurred to him that he could have easily escaped by now. The truth was, he wanted to see this through. That, and it reminded him of Ian and a certain island he really shouldn't be as fond of as he was right now. Alex hovered protectively over the screen and opened the app on his phone. After a few button taps, the £500 was his. Alex carefully slipped it into an unobtrusive pouch he kept on him. He'd give it to the others tonight. Then, he began to meander back. Calling someone was an option, but he felt like he was in control right now. The most control he'd ever had. Jack, Tom, and MI6 could wait. Right now, he had a man to save.

* * *

Alex was genuinely surprised that the four men just let him go. Then again, he'd removed the reason for their desperation. Alex was not looking forward to arriving home. He'd already stowed the money on him. He doubted MI6 would involuntarily strip search him. Jones trusted him for the most part. The boy spy took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. The door was flung open about fifteen seconds later by Jack. Alex watched the woman's mouth fall open. "Where were you? Tom said you'd been taken and-"

Jack was cut off by a voice Alex recognized all too well. "I think we'd all like some answers."

Ah, there was the Tulip he knew and had a love-hate relationship with. "I got kidnapped."

Alex stepped into the doorway and shut the door. He walked to the kitchen and pulled the fridge open. Alex was desperate for anything other than Mexican food made in London. Brick had some strange obsession with it. He'd gladly take a sandwich. A glass of water was next on the agenda. Alex began to rapidly inhale food while Jack and Mrs. Jones stared at him. John Crawley was also present but looked more amused than anything else. "Your uncle used to do the same thing. Irritated the shit out of me."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "You would if you had to eat the sludge London tries to pass off as Mexican food for a week."

Crawley chuckled but was quickly silenced by a glare from his boss. The man cleared his throat while adopting an expression appropriate to the deathbed of a close friend. "Right. Do you know who took you?"

Alex shrugged and swallowed a giant mouthful of food that he probably should have chewed a bit more. "Beats me. There were about four of them. They had some nutters plan to rob a bank and decided taking a hostage beforehand was the way to go."

Crawley sighed. "Are you unharmed?"

Alex sighed. "Actually, yes."

Three skeptical looks were sent his way. "Oh, come on you lot. I don't get injured _all _the time."

Alex was suddenly struck by an idea. He adopted his most earnest expression. "I can strip if you want me to prove it."

Jones' assurance that it wouldn't be necessary were interrupted by Crawley's snorts. Jack rolled her eyes. "Oh, you're fine alright."

Another glare from Jones was enough for Crawley to regain his composure. "Do you have anything to identify your kidnappers?"

Alex squinted and then lied fluently. "One had a lisp, one was built like a brick. They all wore masks, so I didn't get a really good look at any of them."

Crawley nodded. "Expected, but disappointing."

Alex shrugged. "They checked me, but not particularly well. I got out with my knife and a lockpicking set."

Crawley grunted and continued taking notes. "Explains the lack of explosions."

Alex blinked. "Hey, some of those explosions were the CIA's fault."

Crawley rolled his eyes. "Sure, sure. Whatever you say, Rider."

Alex had an odd feeling that Crawley had said the same thing to Ian once.

* * *

Brick was privately relieved. They had gotten Toothy surgery in a private hospital. For once, it all went right and there were no complications. Toothy would be up and running again in a couple of weeks. The doctors had cautioned him about getting any more hits to the head for the next several years (and the rest of his life). The scrawny blond kid had done it. Who would have thought? The app he had written had worked exactly like it was supposed to. It was some of the easiest money Brick and his motley crew had ever made. The kid was disturbingly good, though. The program had worked for almost two months. They had all followed the kid's instructions and dumped their phones after the app didn't work for the first time. Mongoose had taken some convincing, though. Brick didn't really understand the computer shit, so he'd figured they were better off listening to the kid. It was weird, though. The kid was strange. And skilled. Brick had watched him closely on their train trips. His gaze swept over every room they entered. The eyes had constantly moved, never quite relaxing. The faint twitches every time there was a loudish noise and the fact that he assumed partial fight stances before relaxing again if people got too close. Brick had figured that the kid had or did lead a rough life. It was why he hadn't protested too hard when Mongoose insisted the kid get a share of their ill-gotten ATM gains. Maybe the kid would escape the life they were leading if he had a bit of a cushion. Brick knew he and the others would be stealing if they had other options. At the very least, they could now fake being citizens of the UK. Aside from Mongoose, all of them were here illegally. It would be nice to finally have papers. Plus, they might not have to pull the same stunt. God knows who they'd kidnap next time. The kid had probably had knives. Brick was puzzled but infinitely grateful that he'd let him live with his inner organs intact. The thief was almost certain they had stumbled across someone way above their paygrade. Whoever the kid belonged to, Brick wouldn't be saying a word either way. Brick twitched inwardly at the thought. The kid could have beat them, figuratively and probably literally. The twitching turned to shudders. Who or what had made the kid like that would have probably broken him utterly. Brick wanted to be skilled like that, but not at that particular cost. The thief would just have to hope that the money would be enough to help the kid, whatever his name was. He'd followed the kid home from a distance. Alex would be getting a delivery every week until the app quit working. Fair was fair, after all. Brick had never cheated his partners and wasn't about to start now. The kid might hunt them down, too. Brick was ninety percent sure he'd killed someone before. That actually made him nauseous.

* * *

Tulip Jones had a quickly developing headache. ATM's around London had mysteriously distributed cash to people whom it didn't belong to. It would normally be a police or MI5 matter, but certain details meant she got involved. Thomas Evans had never been the most stoic of men, but he got the job done. The man sat in the chair opposite to her. Jones plastered on a smile. "So, Thomas, why is this case our concern? This is strictly an MI5 matter, despite the egregious amounts of funds lost by your department."

Thomas glared at her. "Bloody hell, Tulip, you haven't even offered me coffee."

Tulip resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "How much did the banks lose?"

Evans pinched the bridge of his nose. "We think it's £175,000."

Jones felt her mouth drop open. "How?"

Evans looked like he wanted to groan and pass out at the same time. "Some sort of bloody program. We got nothing off of the ATM footage. Everyone looked like they were acting normal. It doesn't help that we can't trace anything under £600. It used to be £1000, but someone took advantage of that loophole a few years ago."

Tulip sighed. "Any ideas on the author of the program? We could be dealing with an international crime syndicate."

Evans tapped his file. "Yeah, that's what it looked like from the outside. But something's funny with the program. The author seems to have had a rather scattered education. They used a zero-day exploit which suggests powers from either a government or a syndicate. There's more though."

Tulip was tempted to glare at the man. "Oh?"

Evans sighed. "The program was created after the death of one of the presumed authors, the presumed death of another, and the third would never do something like this and leave it in the hands of petty thieves."

Tulip felt her headache swell. "Spit it out, Evans."

The man sighed. "It's like Ian Rider, Gordon Ross, and Smithers fucked and had a brain baby."

Tulip blinked. "Thank you for that lovely mental image. I'm not sure how I ever lived without it before."

Evans smirked. "You're welcome."

Tulip flipped the file open. "Well, we'll look into it. I guarantee Ian Rider is dead, but Gordon Ross is a possibility. Smithers is above suspicion."

Evans looked at her. "It's a new player Tulip. Watch out."

Jones sighed. "Just what we need."

Evans raised an eyebrow. "Do think it could be Agent Rider?"

Jones snapped. "Absolutely not! Agent Rider is above suspicion. He would _never_ work for Scorpia!"

Evans shook his head. "He's got sociopathic tendencies."

Jones glared at Evans. "So do we, _Evans_."

Evans shrugged. "Whatever. You know him best."

Tulip sighed. "Evans, so help me, if you interfere with one of my agents, I will _end _you. Got it?"

Evans held his hands up. "Okay, okay. Toodles, Tulip."

The man walked out.

* * *

Alex had been surprised when a plain brown package had arrived on his doorstep. It was surprisingly heavy like it was full of books or lead. He was suspicious, of course. Bombs could definitely be mailed. Poison could be impregnated into the paper. Alex carefully pulled on gloves. After he'd carefully checked for bombs, slitting the brown paper revealed bundles and bundles of cash. Alex had gaped. There was a note.

* * *

_Kid,_

_Fair is fair._

\- _M, B, T, W_

* * *

Alex carefully counted the bills. £5600. It was more than he'd ever seen outside of Scorpia. Damn. Over the weeks, Alex almost got used to receiving large amounts of money in the mail, but not really. It was alarming to have a shit ton of money in his house. Thankfully, Ian had taught him all of the hiding places in the house and Alex was making use of it. Alex hadn't told a soul, not even Jack. It wasn't that he didn't trust Tom or Jack, but he wanted to keep a few things to himself. Ian had once told him to keep his escape routes secret. Alex could say a lot about the man, but Ian gave advice that had kept him alive. Eventually, the packages stopped coming. Alex had expected that his virus would be found out eventually. It was the nature of hacking and computer security. A never-ending war. Alex felt his lips twitch. It was probably his finest work yet and MI6 would see none of it. They still didn't really know about his computer skills and Alex had no intention of correcting their assumptions. Sometimes it pays to be a teen in a world of adults. In the end, Alex had £30,000 in total in his secret fund. He would likely have to open a secret bank account. Tax havens would be his friends. Alex knew he'd have to be careful. Tulip would have _questions _if she ever found out. Jack had no idea he'd even gotten packages. Alex had always gotten the mail in the house and this worked to his advantage. In the end, he was grateful to the random thieves who'd decided to kidnap him one day.

* * *

****Fin****


End file.
